Temperature
Set your oven to 360 degrees. Open the door. Stick your head inside.
Do you feel that burning sensation?
Welcome – you are now in Phoenix.
Phoenix is constantly breaking records for heat. People even speculate if it will be habitable here in a few decades.
Phoenix has temperatures above 90 degrees 47% of the year. That means half the year you’re sweating.
The average temperature in the summer is 106 degrees. 106! That’s not even the maximum high.
It can get up to 120 degrees on some summer days. There are nights where the temperature does not come down below 100 degrees.
Man was not meant to live here. This is unnatural.
Enjoy your monthly $400 electric bill in the summer.
Rolling blackouts coming soon.
Rainfall
Ozone
The air here sucks.
Do you know what a haboob is? You will soon. Get those dust masks out.
Have asthma? Don’t go outside.
Have allergies? Don’t go outside.
Don’t want to breathe in car exhaust everywhere you go? Don’t go outside.
Phoenix has the 5th worst air in the country.
Don’t bother getting a fireplace here for those 5 days in the winter it gets into the 60’s.
Every single day is a no burn day anyway.
Seasons
Four seasons don’t exist here.
We have two – Summer, and Summer Lite.
There’s no gradual change. The trees have leaves and then suddenly they don’t.
It’s as if the trees just give up and die.
I can sympathize.
Outdoor Activities
Here’s what you can expect from outdoor activities:
- Dry and leathery skin
- Temporary eye blindness when you forget your sunglasses
- First and second degree burns from opening car doors
- Weight loss from perspiration
- Skin Cancer
- A second layer of Skin Cancer under the first layer
We have dermatology offices on almost every corner for your convenience.
Remember to set your alarm to 4am, so you can get an hour of hiking in before the temperature hits 100 degrees at 5am. So convenient!
And if you decide to hike during the day, no problem!
It’s only a quick 30 minute hike up that mountain. No need to even bring water.
Assuming you don’t die from heat stroke, dehydration, or a snake bite, the fire department is ready to pick you up after you pass out.
We call it the Out-of-Towner special – and it’s only $20,000 for the air rescue. Great deal!
Nature
The soil here is hard as a rock. You need a pick-axe to dig. I am not joking.
Do you like gardening? We have some of the worst soil in the country.
You’ll spend so much time working the soil, only to grow some pathetic tomatoes… which incidentally is the only thing that will grow here.
Our trees here are not so much trees as they are giant weeds.
The deadly animals and insects here are some of the worst. If you’ve ever had a palo verde beetle charge you, you know what I mean. And then they somehow have wings and can fly too!?
Only Australia has worse animals and insects.
But at least Australia has a beach.
Driving
Do you like your car?
Do you like how shiny and bright your car paint looks? Enjoy it while you can.
It will fade and crack.
Your car battery will last only 2 years, instead of the normal 5 years. Make sure to get the extended warranty and wait for it to suddenly not start that one day you’re running late for work.
Road Rage? hooo-howdy. We constantly rank in the top cities for worst road rage. Combine that with lots of guns in lots of stupid peoples hands, and you’re just asking to get shot anytime you honk.
Everyone’s a transplant here. The 202 / I-10 / 101 freeways are really just a cocktail of awful driving habits from each state all forced into 5 lanes.
Also old people.
Driving and Weather
ANY rain here immediately turns drivers stupid. They panic and forget how to drive.
Expect the freeways to slow down to 20mph because of a drizzle.
Watch out for flash floods. They cause washes and dry riverbeds to flood quickly.
But those drivers… they think they know better. They think they can cross it.
And they can’t. And they have to be rescued. Every year.
It’s happened so many times that they passed a law called the Stupid Motorist Law.
And for the other 364 days of the year when it’s nothing but sun?
Make sure to find that sliver of shade to park under when going to the store. Which is always about 200 feet away because there’s hardly any trees, because apparently the people that design parking lots here are from out of town and don’t understand exactly how much sun there is here. Seriously parking lot people, would it kill you to plant more trees!? Are they that expensive? Our trees are literally weeds. They should cover every parking spot!!
Social
Downtown Phoenix? What downtown.
You’ll have 10 commercial buildings, followed by one or two restaurants, followed by more commercial buildings. Be sure to have a car or catch an uber if you want to bar hop.
What about public transportation? Sure. Let’s get on the light rail or the bus. Breathe in that smell of homelessness and urine. Sit next to the crazy person and hope you don’t get stabbed or spit on.
Want to cool down? Feel free to visit one of the many cookie cutter breweries that serve up the same 5 local craft beers.
There is no culture here. Don’t look for any or you’ll be disappointed.
Drugs and Crime
If you’re looking for a safe place to live, this city isn’t it.
Phoenix is ranked in the top cities for crime. Phoenix Police? They’re ranked #1 for use of deadly force.
If you want a decent chance to stay alive, stay east of the 51 freeway. Here’s a pretty accurate, if not politically incorrect, map that someone on reddit made.
And watch out if you happen to drive through Mesa. Think twice before calling for help, as it might be the last thing you do.
Plus there’s lots of meth there.
Sports
Three things are guaranteed in life:
- Death
- Taxes
- Arizona sports teams ripping your heart out
Take a look at the stats of our state teams.
In the history of organized sports in the state of Arizona, only one of our teams has won a championship – once.
And that was a fluke.
The Phoenix Suns have made it to the NBA Finals only 3 times in their 56 year history, and lost each time. That’s 0-3 for championship rings for anyone keeping track. Between 2010 and 2020 they missed the playoffs 10 years in a row. Suck much?
The Arizona Cardinals have only been to the Superbowl once since moving here 35 years ago – and they lost. They’ve missed the playoffs the last 6 out of 7 years. Poor Larry Fitzgerald… you deserved better.
The Arizona Diamondbacks have won the World Series once (the fluke I mentioned earlier), and have missed the playoffs the last 5 out of 6 years. They just made it back to the World Series in 2023, only to lose the series to Texas 4-1 here at home. See you in another 20 years! Stick to Cubs spring training games if you want to see a good baseball game here in town.
The Phoenix Coyotes have never made it to the Stanley Cup finals, and they’ve missed the playoffs 3 years in a row. “Ice hockey in the desert? Surely that can’t fail” – said some out of touch billionaire with too much money.
Further Reading
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